A letter from a girl who has shyly signed behind a pen name flower:
“I’m in a relationship with a guy for the past seven months, we love each other a lot but… he has now imposed a condition that if I love him, I should have sex with him. I told him honestly that I am not going to do it. It is not necessary that just because we love each other immensely and madly that we have to have sex. He says he loves me, but also wants to possess me physically. Or else, he says he’ll just leave me. I can’t leave him because I love him. What do I do?”
Oh God. Oh God, what a quandary. He wants to do it, but you don’t want to do it. He says sleep with me or walk. You say I won’t sleep with you, but I won’t walk either. You are scared of his lust, while he is maddened with it.
I know a lot of women readers might disagree with me, but I happen to side the boy’s viewpoint. The days of chivalrous platonic love are over. I doubt whether they ever existed outside fairy tales in the first place.
Any healthy teenage boy is riddled with hormones and flush with testosterone. He doesn’t have the mindset or maturity to think of love as anything more than an opportunity to have sex.
His girlfriend can start off a conversation about anything, but you can be sure that in few minutes he will divert it towards sex. If he doesn’t do that , then he is too old for his age and not normal.
For teenage boys the whole point of having a girlfriend is to jump into bed with her. They get quickly bored with too much talk of love and tenderness, and get tired of just holding hands. They want to grab a girl and kiss, then hug and then…
Boys also hang out with their own groups, where they get their male bonding and thrills. Girls are meant for fun, not just for long boring walks (which they will have, for sure) or long syrupy love talk (which they will talk, as long as they feel they will one day get to have sex).
So my young friend, please understand this. Your boyfriend was quite honest when he told you to either have sex with him or leave him. He was giving you a practical option, which expressed his sincerity. The fact that he didn’t impose himself on you so far, speaks of his decency.
The fact that he is lusting for you implies he is just a normal healthy boy.
The fact that he is now irritated and impatient implies that he is being driven up a wall by your firm and persistent “no”.
I am not advising you to have sex with him. Not at all. You must do what your instincts tell you. If your instincts say “don’t even think of sex”, then you must not.
But please understand that you are walking around with a hormone bomb in your arms, a guy who is about to explode with frustration of not having sex.
If you continue this way, you will turn him into a nut case or worse. It’s far better to let him go. Let him find someone else who will give him what he wants, and make him happy.
You go look for a boy who is willing to just hod hands and take long walks and sigh at sunsets and smile at flowers.
Source: Deccan Chronicle (4th Sep 2011)
Author: Mani Shankar
(The author, a film director, helping the youth strike a balance in their relationships)