I have literally stopped writing UTSP a month before I was planning my trip to India in June 2017. Thus I thought If I would like to start writing again, I should start where I left. This UTSP is a personal page from my dairy written on 26th June 2017.
If this is the first time you are reading my written Untold Stories, then you can catch the previous one’s on my website tapishdongre.com and you can get all the updates of my future work by liking my page on fb. So Lets Begin….again…..
Personal Insecurity : a FORGOTTEN FEELING
This has happen before, and the long forgotten feeling came back.
In our engineering days, there was a phenomenon which use to occur again and again and again. And when so many again are used in a single sentence, its time to give the phenomenon a name, and the name is PARTIAL CONCENTRATION.
Anu (now my wife) and I use to have multiple telephonic conversation in our engineering days, Thanks to wireless mobile communication technology that love stories in early 2000’s had the advantage to verbal communicate frequently. And adding cheery to on top of the cake were “HAPPY HOURS” by the network company called AIRTEL, NIGHT CALLING by IDEA and 24×7 free calling by RELIANCE CDMA.
But though technology is aiding to the love stories, the human mind, heart and emotions are more or less the same, just expressed differently than compared to love stories years before us.
Getting back to cream of the topic that when Anu use to call me, she mostly had a situational busy surrounding to make a call. This aided in a mental barrier in the conversation which did not go frictionlessly. The surrounding mostly consisted of her hostel mates, colleagues or most importantly her parents.
For example if Anu asked me a question in a telephonic conversation, and while its my chance to reply to that question, she use to immediately start guiding anyone else present in her surroundings. And then when I asked, “are you listening to me or the other person?” Very smoothly she use to reply, “yes I am listening to you only”.
But then on asking more, she had no clue what did i just informed her.
And for counter example, if I am asking Anu something, then due to the Partial Concentration, she did not actually listened to what I asked. And thus made me repeat the same dialogues I spoke again and again which boiled my blood more. Her easy escape was to blame it on Network Companies, thus All network companies, if you feel why I am so much angry while calling customer care may be because someone is saying blaming their fault on you.
The overall feeling of this situation is that I use to feel that the person in her surrounding is more important than me. But on her denial to accept this theory, I use to urge her to give full focus on me. She use to say yes, but in next minute or two, she would again start replying to people in her surroundings. Thus this re-occurrence of situation even after correction was termed as “PARTIAL CONCENTRATION”.
The human mind works differently that emotions are concerned. When logically human mind asks for attention and is happy with what is being provided, it stops to wonder. But when mind is unhappy it works more in various directions, where it probably shouldn’t have gone. Thus in these conversations I use to ask Anu to avoid PARTIAL CONCENTRATION while talking with me. She use to agree but then follow the holy ritual path of Partial Concentration.
Then my mind wanted to test the theory what it has formed already. Dose the person in her surrounding is really important than me that she is giving importance to guide, where the sugar is? or has the water filled in toilet tank?, rather than talking about the present topic which discussion was going on.
While mind is buzy in formulating equation, the emotions are working on a very different and parallel scale. Instead of discussing the current issue of being upset, emotions directly changed from a state of ‘like’ to a state of “anger”, from a state of ‘patience’ to a sate of “frustration”, from a state of ‘abundance’ to a state of “dominance”.
Instead of expressing what I feel (which she would not listen due to the Partial concentration phenomenon already) I use to get angry on her and shout on her. And mostly assume the surrounding as my enemy who m I have to share my precious newly found love with.
This use to cause a harsh conversation and then we use to fight more and keep the phone down, sometimes with more force that collecting part backs and switching it on again was a matter of more difficulty than our relation itself.
With years of being together and so, called understanding each other, I assume the feeling doesn’t exist anymore. But as people say, GHOST OF PAST NEVER DIE. In the marriage occasion, when today ANU is kept away from me, buzy in various pooja a day before marriage, she called me at 1.30pm, but even in that call instead of actually talking with me, she started to talk with her mother and father in the background. The years long feeling of self named phenomenon came back. The insecurity that weather the person next is more important or me came back.
We fought and disconnected the phone, did not destroy it this time as they were earned by the money coming out of our own hard work. An hour later I received her call again, asking “what the matter really was?”
There is another theory that with years the relationship gets stronger, or we tend to understand each other more. But seldom this theory is true, I know with years passing the courage to face each other increases and if going on a progressive route the relationship becomes open or close with the passage of time. Former in our case, she asked “what is the real issue with you?” and I replied, “I am really feeling insecure, as if the person surrounding you is more important to you than me itself”
This time she replied, “My love, I am with everyone and this ritual is important to me as I dreamed of it from my childhood. And there is no chance someone is taking your place in my heart. Love will not have a comparison between you and someone but it is abundance that you have given me that I am here to spread it on behalf of you.”
This was an instance which satisfied both mind and emotion to a calm phase. With years, the relationship dose not get stronger, but we have the courage to tell each other the simple truths in life which we lied and dogged in the beginning of the relationship.
Neither I was able to express before I was insecure, nor she had the courage to tell the truth that yes the surrounding holds a momentarily important place. And when these small truth came out, a fearless comfortable zone was created which people misunderstood that relationship gets stronger with time.
Today I would say, that the self discovered phenomenon of “PARTIAL CONCENTRATION” still exist but we found a way to overcome the insecurity part of the equation.
And till we keep discovering a “fearless comfortable zone” in different aspects of our/any relationship, I am sure the relationship will survive all the odds in life 🙂