At an very early age, I would say the first suicide experience is when you hear the word first time and search in dictionary searching for the meaning of it
It was the similar but somehow I knew the meaning before the incident had an impact.
I never knew her name, why you ask? Because in south Indian locality where I grew up it was most offensive to even approach a stranger teenage girl and I was shy as well.
Me and My friend Ravi Kiran at Class IXth had a regular weekly chess match at Junior Club Ordnance Factory Project Medak Yeddumailaram AP, INDIA. We completed a game and mostly Ravi use to win the match
and if at I won the game there was at least two times re-match before he is satisfied that he is best at Chess. It was more of re-assurance for him I guess and I use to play again to sharpen my skills and have the chance of enjoying the frustration on his face again.
And that day he did loose and wanted a re-match but senior players(senior by age) took the chess board away form us and we had no choice but to leave the Club as we know their game will run for hours and its late for us to take our bicycles home.
We came out of the Club and outside was a kids playground. On the playground we saw her first time on a Swing seat. She was wearing Blue Frock tired hairs towards her back, Spectacles on her nose. I asked Ravi Check the girl at your 9 O’Clock. A direction code which simply meant look on your left and check out the girl.
But before I said so I saw Ravi’s eyes was already sticked on her as her eyes saw him back giving a smile.
At that instance I observed I was already walking two-three steps away form Ravi though we were walking on the same direction. I realized on that moment that I had lost my friend for now. There will be no more chess matches but regular visits to Junior Club will not stop. And same did happen. We visited the same Club almost everyday now. I waited in line to get an Ice-Cream whereas Ravi waited outside to have a glimpse of her. As we both did not know the name of her, I called her “Chashmis” a teaser name meaning the girl with Glasses on her eyes.
We arrived on Club as that was the only source where we could see her again. Our wait was over when she was seen again after a week of time and then on every week.
We use to go home only when she left the Club. This might seem little purvey but once we even followed her in shadows to know her home address. Though now we know where she lived but we still agreed to follow the common courtesy to see her only at Club.
Weeks passed and I urged Ravi, just go and talk to her, or should I do that job for you? Finally Ravi agreed that He will go and talk to her the next week.
The day arrived that when Ravi will finally go and talk to her, the day when I will know her Real Name and stop calling her Chashmis. The day when I get a confirmation that after weeks of struggle my mate finally have a girlfriend or a girl-friend at least. We went early to Club and waited and waited and waited.
I remember it started getting dark and still we waited outside in Cold. I had three Ice Creams that day and Ravi paid the 15Rs for them as it was his treat. Unfortunately our wait never ended, she did not show up.
I said, “no worries dude we will catch her up either when she is going out for tutions form her home or school”, I thought she might be sick that she did’t show up for today and I might be fool to eat 3 Ice Creams when winter is starting already. Its too late lets go home.
The next week I heard a funny story form him that Chasmis was practicing a dance of movie name “Varsham” which means Rain in Telugu Language and to do that she actually filled her room with water to get the leg beating noise of ‘Rain Splash’ and in doing so actually slipped and broke her ankle. Whereas in the actual movie the actress girl dances on Rain water shouting “Nuvvu Vosta ante nen Voddatantana?”
We laughed so hard that I even forgot ask how did he even managed to get this information?
Some week passed and the winter came and we nearly stopped our visits to the Junior Club. There was no motive anyway.
I still don’t know the Source of Ravi’s information but one very late night Ravi came to my house and urged that we talk outside. I took my bycycle and we rushed on a Route towards his home. On the mid way when he was too silent I wonder what surprise he had in his mind to give me this late night.
His words were more cold that the winter saying “Chashmis is Dead”
The government Mortuary was just next to were we were discussing this and I thought Ravi is playing another prank on me
But he was serious this time, He said, she committed Suicide as she got less marks in her pre-finals.
I replied she was not even doing her 10th Board that she had to take a harsh decision like this.(as if if it was 10th exam the Suicide was justified). Ravi said, Yes mate, but first girl I like in this life is Gone even before she knew that I liked her, and we will never even know her name.
I was a class 9th boy and had no clue how to console my friend as I was shocked myself, thus we just discussed the political issues that by what pressure of our society that a child had to commit Suicide. Exams can come and Go but life is just one way track…
We both parted in grief after a long discussion and for weeks everyone was Discussing about the “Girl who Committed Suicide Due to Exam Pressure” on Ordnance Factory Medak.
For some days the Intense Exam Pressure was waved off and Parents cared more of their son’s and daughters life than their marks on ScoreCard. But after some days we all forgot the story of the girl in Blue Frock, Ravi’s first heartbreak and the First Suicide case of my life. My political side of brain was thinking that there is at lest one benefit of her suicide that we don’t have the marks pressure anymore.
But later on after years passed and I was urged of committing the Suicide myself, not because of some marks but a different level of teenage pressure which seemed important that time and stupid at this stage of life. In around year 2009 I took a chemical name “Sodium Azide” form the Biotech Lab I was studding in, mixed it in milk and drank the first morning I wanted to depart the world.
It might be the poor quality of PIET Chemicals or Dilution by milk that I survived but If I haven’t experienced the life till date I could never realized how Stupid was the decision of taking an early termination from life.
Most of my positive post today might be a partial outcome of the shame I had after recovering of the worst times faced in life. I must not compare my life with someone and thus someone must not compare his/her life with me. I neither Support Suicide and Unfortunately not truly against it but its ‘you’ that who have to take the decision as a Choice to Live Everyday and Day after day. And if you choose “Life” instead of death things changes and chances comes along your path, you may never know how interesting it gets when the future unfolds…
So if you have decieded to “Live” this day, this week or this year for now….Lets make it interesting, enjoy to the fullest, make a remark in History and Some-Day die an un-regretful Sign off…..(I Hope and wish my best not by Suicide!!!!)
Have a wonderful Living week Ahead !!!!
Tapish Dongre 